


When a heart shatters

by Phantasticpheels (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Death of a friend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Character Death, Oneshot, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:53:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Phantasticpheels
Summary: When your heart shatters, its all at once. Then slow and over and over again.Breaking a heart is easy but it takes a special kind of person to pick up the pieces.Phil learns by experience.





	

His mum's voice was soft and sweet.  
Coaxing a positive reply from him.  
The receiver in her hand was clenched tightly. Like she was holding onto a life line.

Mrs. Lester wanted her boy home for a while, she was frightened.

It was clear from her shaking voice.

Phil knew.

He faked a smile, even though she couldn't see him,his eyes hollow.  
It had become a habit by now.

' I'm okay mum. I promise.'  
He tried to sound cheerful but his voice hitched at the end. He was good at hiding and keeping quite. He was not good at outright lying. Lying to his mum, it was even more of a feat. She sighed. 'Phillip,love, I suggest you reconsider. Martyn and Cornelia are here as well.' Her eyes watered as she held the receiver hopefully. ' Take a week off from that bloody place and spend some time with your family. You need to get away from there for a while.' 

It was rare to hear her curse.

Phil bit his lip.

'Please..'

She added quietly.

' Mum. I promise. I'm fine.'

Phil nodded not quite sure why he was making such gestures. It was just he was concentrating all his energies on placating her.

He willed his hand to stop trembling.

I'm okay.I'm over it. I'm moving on. 

He opened his mouth but he couldn't get the words out.

There was so much he wanted to say.

He was an English major. He could add alot. Fabricate a story of sugar coated words to reassure her but he couldn't.

Those lies felt wrong even in his head and his chest clenched.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

He shifted on his feet, glancing over his shoulder as the dorm continued to fill with more students.  
He could feel the solemn aura around himself even as happy fresh faces surrounded him.  
It wasn't supposed to be this way.

He was supposed to be one of them, his arm slung around his best friend, laughing about the antics of some weird professor and how they got away with complete silliness on their last assignment.

His best friend who was gone.

Maybe, his mum was right....

He shook his head.

No.

I go out. I sleep on time. I study. I attend all my classes. I eat properly.

Everything is perfectly normal.

He scoffed at her worries.

I'm not going mental. I'm not bloody depressed.

I don't need a "time away".

I'm fine.

Phil told himself as he hung up with another halfheartedly mumbled, broken assurance much to the disappointment of his mum.  
He hadn't become a deranged cut off from society or an alcoholic or anything extreme.

He was a perfectly functional twenty-something, last-year English major.

He was doing fine.

Phil told himself.

But the gnawing in his chest?  
The continuous feel of a void ripped in to his soul?  
He was fine, Phil knew. 

He just didn't feel very alive anymore.

He went through the day like a robot programmed to follow a pattern. Like a leaf drifting in the wind.

Keeping that vivid presence out of his head. That wide grin, that slightly shy yet confident participation in every one of Phil's happy go lucky adventure.

Matt.  
He had been his best friend.

Phil gulped closing his eyes and breathing deeply as he tried to pull his focus back onto the lecture. He could do this. He wasn't going to think over it any more. Matt wouldn't want him to. He looked up and gave a small smile to Alex who was giving him a concerned look.

No one noticed how his pen was still shaking in his hand.  
Like no one had noticed how he barely touched his slice of pizza in the sleepover last week just as no one had noticed that many of the old 'Amazingphil' videos had been privated. The ones with Matt in them.  
No one mentioned Matt again.  
Life went on.

But maybe not for the one person he was closest to, maybe not for Phil.

For Phil, all that happened during the day was a routine he held onto to keep himself busy.  
To keep himself sane.

To keep himself from the lingering nostalgia that clawed under his skin all fucking day and he wasn't going to give in to it.

Phil was a fighter.

He wasn't going to fall into the same thing that he had sought to help others with.

It worked. 

Mostly.

At night, he always found himself lying on his bed the whole day behind him left as if it had never come.  
Forgotten, blurry. Like it was surrounded by a fog of his own disinterest and unintentional disconnection.

What was the use of socializing? Of making friends?  
Nothing lasted but pain.

In the end, everyone just turns to dust and the smile that you take for granted wilts never to be seen again.

Matt Harrison, his best friend for the last three years was gone. Dead.  
That was a fact and there was no removing the hurt his sudden departure had caused but Phil had taken a good lesson from it....  
Not to let his walls down. The closer you let someone to yourself, the more you share your life with someone, the more you make them a part of your heart....the more the pain is when they inevitably leave you behind.

Phil had barricades around his own this time.

For all hi welcoming smiles and bear hugs, he wouldn't make the mistake of acquiring another Matt ever again. There was a clear line now. Get away before your too emotionally invested. Before your too attached. Before it all goes to hell.

It was a routine monotone night a month later. Winter had changed nothing to amend for what summer had snatched away.  
He was lying on his small worn bed, in a thin blue shirt and plaid pajamas. Breathing soft and shallow as his eyes were glazed over. Their blue had been dulled to a grey for a while now, not that Phil knew. He hadn't been paying much mind to the mirror lately. 

His own reflection only added to his loneliness.  
A reminder of how broken he looked as well, which he was not willing to accept.

Silver moonlight draped over and caressed his pale skin as the wind moved the rugged curtains slightly.

He had left the window open again. In the middle of December.  
There was a thick matting of snow outside as the white fluff gently fell, a bit of it on his table now.

That was...curious...

He hadn't felt cold at all.

Hadn't noticed his the goosebumps along his bare arm, the slight shiver in his icy limbs.

He blinked expressionless as his eyes went to the fluttering curtain.

There below it was his discarded camera.

When was the last time he had made a video?  
Uploaded a picture on MySpace?

The thought of doing those things again made his skin crawl.

He had tried setting aside his feelings and just talking in front of the camera just as a therapeutic move and it had worked just fine, but as soon as he replayed himself to edit. He wanted to vomit.

His whole body language looked fake.  
Anyone could see his limbs shaking and hear his slight stutter. 

He wasn't ready to go back, even if he wanted to.  
Not yet.

Phil sighed rubbing his red eyes.  
The dark circles were going to be prominent tomorrow but it seemed like a no-sleep night again.  
He should try not focusing on Amazingphil and try fixing the mess of a person Phil Lester had become for once.

All his friends online might think he was dead.  
Phil considered as the corner of his lip turned up.  
Dead...  
It went down into a frown.

Dead. Gone.Never ever to be seen again.Six foot under.

His throat closed up.

Matt's grin was vivid in his memory. A look of mischief in green eyes, blonde curls bouncing on his head.  
'Hey! I bought my mum a matching monkey for mothers day too! Just for the hell of it! It was an awful idea of course.' 'Blimey Phil! Wrecking a a mate in mario cart on his birthday should be an offence! I demand a rematch!' 'I have the most awesome idea for your next video!...what do you mean we can't play gay chicken?' 'Come on Philly! Your always holed up in that room of yours, let's go live a little!'

He had lived little. Far too little.  
Phil choked as he shut his eyes tightly. How could someone with so much life be taken away so quickly?

It was unfair.  
It was cruel.

His eyes hurt, they were watering again and this time he let himself go.

He stared blankly at the camera that had captured so much of their friendship as well.

The tears flowed freely, glowing in the moonlight before they dripped down his cheek and absorbed in the sheets below.

It had been months...  
It still hurt.  
It hurt too much.  
He didn't know if this dreadful emptiness which seared his soul would ever leave him.

His breath hitched as he whined softly.  
A small sob left his lips.

He didn't want it to hurt anymore.  
He didn't want to be so alone anymore.

He wanted for it all to stop.

 

It was dull deep ache in his heart, his bones that made him shiver and claw lightly at the fabric on his chest. Limbs tense as he willed the pain to go away.

Matt.

His best friend was gone.  
Dead.

The grave news had come on a Saturday morning, beginning of their last uni year.

This fucking dreadful year.

When hopes for a future were highest. A silent fear and uncertainty of it was lingering too but nothing as awful as this....  
They were supposed to look forward to graduating, making plans,going out having new adventures everyday. Making promises to stay connected forever.  
Who knew how short lived that would be?......

A freak accident.  
A single moment.

He had died on impact.  
A quick death.  
He would've felt nothing.

Whatever people said....it mostly went over his head.

After all, what did it matter?  
Everything deciphered to one bitter truth.

A truth Phil would rather spend all his life hiding away from.

 

He remembered the day clearly.

It was right after their last lecture for the day as Phil waited for Matt to come back from his mum's house with the props, they had been planning a surprise party for one of their friends and they had been put in charge of setting up a rather elaborate prank. Well, pranking was mostly Matt's forte but Phil had fun watching and helping out with setting it up.

Nothing like a jumpscare for a party right?

Phil had grinned at Rebecca whose tears and shaking body gave him no clue whatsoever.

She should get an Oscar. She was brilliant.  
He threw his book aside and folded his arms raising a brow.  
' Come on Matt stop practicing your talents on me! And dragging poor Becca into your crazy plans! I know your hiding somewhere here with a camera! We were supposed to make a prank together you jerk!'

She sobbed louder covering her mouth.  
'Matt?!' Phil tried again. Becca's panicked raspy breathing was too rapid to be faked, her demeanor too convincing be a joke. His face fell. He mumbled quietly to her, arms falling to his sides, a feeling of dread brewing in his stomach. 'Becca, this isn't funny anymore. Tell Matt to come out.' 

What she was saying couldn't be true, obviously.  
This was just a very realistic prank and Becca was a surprisingly good actress.

She screamed in his face.

'He's dead! Gone! Don't you fucking get it! Matt is fucking gone!'

It wasn't acting at all, Phil knew deep down.  
Becca, She wasn't the sort of person to lie about this.....

But she couldn't be...betelling the truth right?

Phil's hands started trembling.

His limbs froze. As if all his veins had ice running through them. His heart beat sounding in his ears.  
He blinked.

The whole world stopped.

No.  
Matt was not gone.  
He was just sitting by him! He wasn't dead! He couldn't be dead!  
He...he was right here this morning. On this bench. Sitting beside Phil.  
Excitedly chattering away about his plans.

No.No.No.

He shook his head softly, his face wet. He didn't even notice that he was crying.

'No. No.Nononono'  
He kept shaking his head, his hands over his ears blocking out the offending words.

Lies.  
All lies.

Matt would come out with a camera any moment.  
He must be behind that pillar, that bastard.

'Matt? Matt please stop kidding around.'  
He pleaded softly and even Alex who had been crying on the seat behind him, quietly into his fist chocked on a loud sob.

Becca left.  
She ran outside the room.

Phil couldn't breath.  
This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. It wasn't. It wasn't.

But it was.

It was more real then it should be with the black suit he wore and the man in the coffin that he saw.

The funeral was held the next day and Phil stared blankly at the sight before him.

It was his best friend inside that wooden box.

Matt.

All the life gone from his body.No one dragging him around for adventures. No more Buffy marathons, no more video game competitions, no more silly challenges.  
No one else in his real life to appreciate and participate in his weird video making hobby. 

No more Matt.

He wanted to leave.  
His collar felt too tight. His brain too mushy, tongue too numb to speak.Limbs too weak to stand.

He was unaware that he had been shaking.  
Having been pulled into a million hugs by people he cared about he still felt cold as a block of ice.  
It was summer, the flowers dancing in the golden glow embraced by the warm comforting breeze but all he could feel was an over whelming sickness  
Like a destructive force in his head, it made a mess out of his numb mind and he gasped barely holding himself up by a pillar.

The whole thing was over like it began.

Quick and heart shattering.

Matt was now a figment of the dreams that could've been...... Another victim of fate's clutches. For the first time in his life, Phil cursed a god he did not believe in.

..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

He had wormed his way into Phil's heart and Phil was afraid.  
He was scared of how happy he was.  
He was scared of how close they had gotten and how quickly that had happened.  
He was scared of how much of himself he had exposed and given.  
Scared of how willing he was to give more.

They had been talking for a while now.  
His name was Dan and he was a kid from southern England. A fan and follower of Phil's video, he had appreciated and complimented Phil's creativity for a while online. His persistence led to a conversation and it only progressed from there.  
Four years younger but on par with almost all his interests. The quirky and sarcastic teen had left quite an impression on Phil's heart.

It was too late when he found out.

Dan was getting happier under Phil's innate optimistic and positive nature, opening up and expressing how much he needed Phil through gestures and shy hints. How thankful he was for finally having a true friend and Phil smiled, eyes glowing, heart expanding with the same feelings.

That didn't mean he wasn't scared shitless.

The last time he had let someone know him so deeply, learn all his flaws and perks and STILL stay. He had gotten too attached.  
He had gotten too hurt.

But when Dan tilted his head, straightened brown hair covering half his face and smiled shyly.When his eyes bore into Phil's round and brown and deep and so full of trust. When he looked at Phil like the best thing that ever existed, Phil could not pull himself back even if he had tried.

He didn't even have the strength to try.  
He had no choice.

He was a moth and Dan was the flame but his soul was so cold that it looked forward to burns.

Dan wasn't Matt.  
No.

Matt was a best friend he had loved with all his heart and Dan had surprised him by showing him that he could love even more.  
Surprised and frightened him of how deeply he felt.

How he hadn't felt this way for anyone before and it was scarier then any horror Phil had encountered in his whole life.

Then it happened.

After months of placing his fingers on his cold computer screen trying to feel Dan's below his. All the nights he spent longing to gather the younger boy in his arms, all the ties he'd given the boy a sad smile when they talked about how good it would feel to actually see each other in person.....

Dan was there.  
Not pixelated and stuck in a screen, aided by a crappy connection.  
He was THERE. Tall, awkward limbs and all, running towards him in the most cliche manner ever.

Time had stopped once again for Phil.

He opened his arms without thought, eyes covered by a watery film as his legs shook slightly.

There in Manchester train station, cheeks red and a trail of mist forming around his breath.  
He knew more then ever that he was too far gone.

When Dan all but flied into his arms, Phil held him tighter then he had ever held anyone before.  
All the loneliness and sadness that ached deep in his bones, mellowed into a warmth he hadn't felt for oh so long.

The tears gathered on his eyelid and he blinked them away.

Dan was real, Dan was here.

He drew in a shuddering breath and gulped.  
Phil ....he felt like he was...like he was alive again.  
He...hadn't even noticed how his fake smile had slowly transformed into a genuine one through these months. How color had seeped back into his routine. Maybe Dan had been tearing down all his walls one by one in his own oblivious fashion and Phil had just realized that his soul was practically laid bare.

He felt naked in all his heavy woolen winter clothes.

It was like Dan had dug out his recluse features and all his buried happiness so subtly that Phil had been shell shocked at the late discovery.

But even as he felt exposed, he felt comfortable. He found himself at peace in those skinny tan arms, the storm that had been brewing inside him calming till all he could hear was their hearts beating against each other.  
Dan Howell was an enigma.

Matt had been a lost laceration on his atria, still bleeding and reminding him that good memories were nightmares once they were gone but Dan was a balm so soothing that he did not have it in him to care. The deep cuts were being patched up into fading scars and Dan was the one healing them with just a hug.

Matt would've wanted him to live happily but Dan was the one helping him do it.

Matt had been his best friend and Dan...Dan was everything he had ever wanted in life and Phil was sure he'll suffer whiplash from the pull he felt.

Phil could not pull himself away from the embrace.

Dan, God bless his soul, held as long as he did.  
As if making sure Phil was actually there. Breathing in his scent.

Phil had a vague notion, that he rejected before it even formed, that Dan was almost as much enamored by him as he was by Dan.  
He didn't know how correct it was. The younger had his own problems at home and a crippling sense of loneliness that Phil was a remedy against. 

For once, someone understood. Someone was at their frequency and the boys were starstruck by just knowing someone like that could exist.

They must've looked so weird to any on looker but they could care less.

Phil inhaled deeply.  
Dan smelled of vanilla and caramel and warmth.

He was perfection incarnate with his shy smiles, sarcastic comebacks and even his unjustified insecurities.

When the brown hair boy finally pulled back a bit, his arms still wrapped around Phil's waist and smiled up at him, Phil swore that was the purest thing he had seen in all his 22 years and he melted further.

It was the most his heart had thudded painfully against his ribs in a long while.  
For once, it was mostly a good pain.

Phil could not wait for to show Dan around though it was more of spending time with Dan and learning more about him then it was about strolling to random places.

The tour around Manchester had ended on the Ferris wheel. The Manchester eye.  
Star bucks, sky bar and the apple store had fed to their nerdy needs a lot and they simply basked in each other's company.  
What they had discovered in that day was less of Manchester and more that with each other they could have fun no matter where they were.

They were like two halves of a perfect whole and the puzzle solved itself to make a perfect picture.

Phil felt the hand clutching his tighten in excitement when the eye came to view.  
Dan's demeanor was like a puppy with a wagging tail and his eagerness for everything Phil had to show made the Black-haired boy grin involuntarily.

Luckily,the wheel did not have that much of a queue.

They were ushered into one of the compartments, quickly, and sat beside each other.  
It was a difficult feat to sit even a centimeter apart after spending so much of their friendship with physical distance between them.

Their friendship was fresh and new and it was their first actual meeting. Afraid internally as if the other would slip through fingers, they stuck close, unwilling to let the other go.

The yearning of months was projected as their sides pressed and they leaned against one another.

Close. The need to be impossibly closer.

The day had turned to dusk and the cabin rose slowly in the pretty pastel colors the sky was fading into.  
They didn't notice.

Dan had giggled on some joke Phil had made without realization as he cuddled into his arm and he didn't even remember what he had been talking about. His head fell on top of Dan's and he blushed.

Thud,thud,thud,thud.

He hadn't felt like this for anyone.  
No one. Ever.

He smiled in adoration as the younger yawned lightly, his heart racing.

It was the most pleasant yet most scary thing he had experienced.

To feel this way.

The silence that slowly settled between them was tranquil.  
Everything felt serene and beautiful.

Phil's heart pounded in his chest as the city lights illuminated the cold night.

He had been staring at Dan's reflection in the window with an affection that could rival the summer sun. Dan, unaware, kept stealing glances at Phil and then at their clasped hands with such a beautiful and genuine smile that Phil wanted to hide his face in his palms and take deep breaths to calm down.

He didn't even know how Dan felt about him!

Looking at Dan directly now was difficult as a sudden shyness overtook him. The person who he had been pinning for, unintentionally albeit, was right beside him and he couldn't hide behind a screen anymore.

It was all swell until Dan's head slowly shifted off his shoulder and his insecurities came back, choking him.

Dan was sliding further on the seat, pulling away, but it seemed bigger to Phil who had his heart raw and open after so long.

He didn't glance back to see why Dan had shuffled a bit away.

Oh God.

He was looking sideways.

Had he messed up somehow?

Was... was Dan tired of how clingy he was?  
Had he caught Phil staring? was he creeped out? It seemed unlikely owing to the wonderful day they had spent but what if??  
What if he was too ugly to look at beyond a computer? Too weird? Fingers clenched his jumper, his mind raced... had he been acting too awkward today? with all the clawing and random facts? Definitely. Had Dan noticed? Would he be bored now? disappointed? Now that the novelty of meeting his idol wore off and he perceived that YouTube wasn't a persona, that Phil was clearly true to his image. An awkward person with a great lack of social skills... smitten with Dan to the core.

As much as the future scared him, he wanted to hold close, this boy that had given him so much in such a short time without noticing.

His thoughts were halted as he felt a small, hesitant tap on his shoulder and he turned away from the window.  
His heart jumping to his throat as he braced himself. Dan looked at him nervously, curiously still and silent.

It was unlike him.  
Was he just as scared as Phil was? God, he was still a teen here with his parent's permission and meeting someone he had met online alone in another city. This wasn't a good time to wallow in his own insecurities. What if Dan was actually feeling really frightened himself? Phil's heart clenched and a small forced smile graced his features as he tried not to let worry seep into his eyes.

'What's wrong Da-'  
He hadn't finished his question when he felt a soft pair of lips on his own. A puff of warm caramel breath. His eyes widened at the gentle peck. His heart flipped, a blush rising. Dan Howell had actually kissed him! Then the initial surprise burst to happiness and a wondrous sense of security. The fullness of requited love bloomed in his heart. Sadly, the kiss ended as quickly as it had started, Dan scooting farther tot he other end, embarrassed and spewing apologies.

His trance broke and his dilated blue eyes met Dan's honey ones with the most affection they had the capacity to carry.

All fears forgotten, his own insecurities in the dust.

He simply grabbed the nervous boy's hand and squeezed it giving him a small smile.

That was when Dan knew they both felt the same way.

He didn't initiate a kiss with the younger,for now, wanting him to set the pace but he was sure to make his own feelings clear.

Dan Howell and Phil Lester became 'Dan and Phil'. It was just one of the beginning chapters of a beautiful story.

Their bond grew stronger with time and more kisses were stolen, shared, exchanged. Distance meant five hour Skype calls and visits meant cuddles and breakfast in bed that lasted for hours. They were just two hearts beating effortlessly in sync till they created an unalterable rhythm and Phil finally had the courage to tell Dan;

'I love you.'

Phil had finally thrown away all his inhibitions and given Dan his whole heart.  
Dan had given him nothing less in return.

They both helped each other evolve and Dan was a bandage to all the gashes Phil had on his soul.  
That didn't mean he had healed completely.

But he was no longer that broken boy crying soundlessly into his cheap university mattress, he had come a long way and he owed most of it to just one person.

Then he realized how fragile the fix was...

It happened when Dan was at his place helping him film 'The interactive Christmas adventure.'  
Phil had to admit it was more fun and goofing around then it was a serious task. Not that most of his videos weren't but having Dan around was making his holiday spirit gorw higher. Even his mum was participating and he was excited about it, being a mama's boy through and through. The Lesters were close knit and Phil wasn't apologetic at all for how much his family meant to him.  
More so Dan and his mum got along swimmingly and he didn't miss the shine in her eye as she gave her silent approval.  
Dan was being treated as family and one could see how much he was touched by their sincere and unfiltered love. 

The boys were standing in a hilly park that was under a thick blanket of snow like the rest of his hometown. Christmas was near and this year he had Dan to accompany him and even partake in his festive activities.  
It was the best early Christmas gift he had been praying for, Phil grinned holding the camera.  
'So just flail and i'll cut, it'll seem that you fell down.'

He instructed as they planned to film a funny clip of Dan's demise in his journey to save lioness.

Dan scoffed, shaking his fuzzy hat covered head.  
'That would look shitty Phil, even with your edits, i'll just jump down.'

He rubbed his freezing nose as he assessed the fall, it didn't look deep at all. It was getting dark and it was hard to see the ground below but it wasn't like there would be a 10 ft fall in a playground, even if it was on a hill.

'There's a lot of snow below Dan and we can't get a view of the ground from here, i'm not sure if it's safe or not. I don't want you to fall into a ditch and hurt yourself.'  
Phil bit his lip anxiously. Dan smiled, cheeks red from the cold as he patted Phil's back.

'Oh come on Phil, you worry too much! I'm sure there won't be a fucking trench in a neighborhood park for fucks sake!'  
Dan grinned shaking his head at Phil's silly protectiveness.  
It was just a little jump.

Nonetheless,It still made his insides squishy with happiness that he was cared for that much.

Phil huffed when he failed to convince him, not that there was a ditch as much as he remembered, Dan would be okay.  
He assured himself.  
He backed away holding up the camera as he gave his boyfriend a thumbs up.

Dan looked at the camera seriously.  
'If you say the snow layer is this way, okay..'  
He acted out the script perfectly and walked forward, giving a rather dramatic scream as he fell off the edge.

Phil made a small 'yay' in the background for comedic effect and grinned. It was a perfect take.  
'Come up Dan! Let's get your cold butt back and see if mums done with those mince pies!'

There was no awnser.

Phil's eyebrows scrunched.

'Dan?'

Silence bit his ears.

'Dan come on! were leaving!'  
He cupped a hand over his mouth shouting but no one replied.

His legs shook slightly.

'Dan?'  
He questioned as he went to the edge stumbling over his feet, a deep familiar dread in his stomach.

Thud,thud,thud.His heartbeat grew intense as he tried to make sense of the situation but his brain was a mush of old memories flooding in terrifying him further.

He couldn't make out much as it was almost night but someone seemed to be lying face down in the snow below. He wanted to hurl.

Nonononononononono...

On auto pilot, he ran down faster then he had ever in his life, collapsing on his knees beside Dan as soon as he reached him. 

There, the ground relative to the ledge, didn't seem to be deep enough for Dan to be in such a position and there were no signs of an impact on the snow pressed softly below him but Phil didn't notice.

He turned Dan's head up and with shaking fingers, slid his fringe out of his eyes.  
They were shut and not even fluttering.  
He gave himself no time to catch his breath as it came out in trembling, broken huffs and his vision got glassy with lack of air.  
He paid no mind to it, dragging Dan into his lap shaking him.

'Please,please,please.'

He whimpered patting Dan's face.

Dan tried hard not to smile as he was pulled into his boyfriend'slap. Scaring Phil with a prank was the best idea ever. It also warmed him inside to be reminded of how much he actually mattered to Phil. He was basking in Phil's reaction, wanting to drag it out a bit more and enjoy Phil's obvious distress at his fake demise before revealing that it was all a joke. Then, he heard Phil's loud watery gasp.

The brown haired boy opened his eyes immediately with a frown.

Phil had his flip phone open as he dialed something on it, with great difficulty, because his hand was wobbling so much.  
'Please, please, hes not waking up, please,' sob' help him.'  
No one had picked up yet and Phil was pleading into the device in vain as he sobbed, breathing harshly.

Dan sat up fast.

'Phil?'

He asked scared as Phil kept crying into the phone.

'HELP!Pleasepleaseplease.'

Dan shook him slightly frightened at his state.

'Phil, love, look here! I'm okay.'  
He pulled Phil into him, the mobile slipping out of his weak grip, as he sobbed on Dan's shoulder.  
'I'm okay. I'm okay.'  
Dan tried soothing him, swaying the gasping boy in his arms.

'No, help, please...' He rasped calling out to no one.

'Phil, i'm okay, calm down, try to breath.'  
He pulled away a bit to show him how to regulate his breath but Phil held onto his arms tightly, his teeth chattering ' Don't- don't die Dan, please. Don't-' He made no sense as he rambled looking up to Dan, large tears dripping down from his wide blue eyes.

'I'm not dying Phil, i'm okay. Please try to breath in.'  
Dan ran his hand through Phil's hair willing himself to stay collected as he soothed him.  
'I'm okay. I'm not going anywhere.'

Phil sobbed loudly choking halfway as his grip on Dan's sweater tightened.

'Now breath in, please, slowly,', ' yeah just like that.',' your doing so good Phil.', 'I'm right here. I'm right here.'.

Dan guided him as Phil's haze lifted a bit and he focused trying to follow Dan's movements.

He slowly calmed down enough to inhale and exhale somewhat properly and collapsed into Dan's arms, weak from the harrowing mental and physical experience.  
Dan kept rubbing his back, making slow circles till the rasps turned into small sniffs.

'I'm sorry.'  
Phil mumbled softly after a while.

Dan's eyes widened as his guilt ate at him further.  
'Why are you sorry? I'm the fucking idiot!'  
His voice dropped to a lower volume as he saw Phil wince.  
' I shouldn't have done such an awful prank knowing how worried you already were.'

Phil shook his head into his chest, too worn to explain himself. He allowed Dan to help him home and into bed, begging him not to tell his mother anything. She didn't need to know he was still such a mess after she was so happy on his recovery.  
Dan kept his mouth shut as well, for Phil mostly, but feeling relieved that he won't have to see the judgement and disappointment in the eyes of someone who was practically a motherly figure to him now. 

He still felt very guilty.

He pulled Phil into his arms as he cuddled him, kissing the top of his head again and again in silent apology.

'I'm not mad Dan.' Phil whispered nuzzling into his shoulder further to physically reassure his boyfriend as well.

'You should be Phi-'

'No. You...you were just...it was just a harmless prank....i shouldn't have..... like that...'  
Phil clenched his palm on Dan's upper arm, biting his lip as he closed his eyes.  
'It's really not your fault...i....i thought i was over it all...'

 

Dan raised his brow, shifting slightly to look at him directly.  
'What do you mean?'

Phil sighed telling himself firmly that he won't cry.

'Umm, before we talked, on like, even online I mean...'  
Phil inhaled calming himself, praying that he made sense.  
'There was a time when i ...um....privated a lot of the old videos, deleted some pictures and ah.....disappeared from everywhere, on the internet of course. No kidnapping, I promise.'  
He chuckled lightly trying to remove the tension, grateful as Dan gave him a small reassuring smile.  
'I know, i was worried.'  
He admitted with a small blush and Phil felt his face heat up as well at the knowledge that Dan had been a fan even then.  
'Well...i...'  
He gulped and Dan searched for his hand, lacing their fingers together.  
'i.....maa..Matt, you know the blonde guy in some of my videos..?'  
Dan nodded.  
'He ummm, he died.' Phil whispered.' and he was....'  
' I thought it was a prank and he was my best friend and..'  
The events of the day replayed in his head.

Oh God.

He had thought Dan had died.

Phil hadn't noticed himself shaking yet but he was pulled close into Dan's chest who ran his warm palms over his back and head calming him down.

'Oh love, i'm so sorry.'  
Dan whispered apologies to him as he rocked him, slowly letting Phil spill his heart out.

He hated himself in that moment but Phil was sure to get it out of his system later when he felt better enough to articulate coherently. It was no ones fault. It was just Phil fighting his own demons and Dan decided silently that he would help along the way.

Years later, Phil promised, he was the happiest he had ever been and his happiness only seemed to be growing. 

Looking beside him to find the love of his life smiling back at him was the only thing he needed.  
Dan , after all this time, was still there, holding Phil's hand in his ,now, larger one.  
He had grown taller for sure, matured in many ways but Phil found to his delight that every change, every new discovery, pulled him further.

Just when he decided that he couldn't be in love more than this, Dan's adoring smile and the crinkles by his eyes flipped his heart over and he felt the happiness spread out farther in his veins.

Loving Dan was easy. It was soothing, warm and warm and warm and Phil had no other adjective for the tingles he felt every time those familiar brown eyes blessed him with never ending affection.

There was just one catch, Phil knew.  
He mostly ignored the inevitable and carved fantasies of being with Dan forever but on the nights when the fact of mortality taunt him. He couldn't reject the truth. His rationality took him on pessimistic instances and he prayed he would be the first to go. He knew he would ever recover from losing Dan.

Matt had been a part of his heart.

Dan had become his whole existence. His every breath.

Phil knew that.

So when Dan joked as he sat with fake wrinkles and a scarf around his throat, filming pinof6. “it’s been… 16 years… Since Phil died…  
I’m very alone these days…” Phil felt a small smile tug at his lips, before he went into character and reprimanded Dan for making it so sad.

In his mind, he hoped that would be the case.  
For Dan might have the willpower to survive without him, Phil knew.

He just might not.

Because, when a heart shatters, its all at once.  
Then slow and over and over again.

 

But what happens when theres no heart left to shatter at all?

Thats the sort of broken Phil deems unfix-able.

(UNEDITED c'z ain't nobody got time for that)

**Author's Note:**

> (tell me what you think)  
> DISCLAIMER; work is completely fictional.  
> Inspiration; my own late night thoughts on how i don't want anyone i love to die before me.


End file.
